Well, That Was Unexpected

Wodehouse Playhouse, “The Code of the Mulliners”

• Episode aired May 7, 1976

Archie Mulliner believes he mustn't marry because his mother is insane. He enlists the help of an actress so his beloved will break up with him. – IMDB

Mulliner thinks that if he insults Aurelia’s father (who’s something of an old Tartar) at dinner that night, the engagement will be called off without him having to break it to her himself.

 

[All are in dining room at table]

Father: Talking about there being a full moon tonight reminds me of a curious thing that happened to an old friend of mine in Bongo Bongo, old George Bates. (Mother and daughter exchange weary glances) At the time of the full moon, it’s the custom in Bongo Bongo to hunt the crocodile, and this old friend of mine – George Bates was his name – stop me if you’ve heard this before –

Mulliner: Stop.

Father: (furious) Did you speak?

Mulliner: I said stop. Yes. You asked me to stop you if I’d heard it before, so … I stopped you. I have heard it before. Six times. Even if it were good, I wouldn’t like it. But it’s not good; it’s rotten. (father looks outraged) And I would be extremely obliged, Cammarleigh, if you would refrain from inflicting it on me, either now or at any other time you may feel the urge. (girl looks at him with adoration and relief) I never wish to hear about Bates and his crocodile again. (mother looks at him, almost crying to hear it at last. Mulliner raises his glass) And with the name of this crocodile I should like to couple the names of any other Reptilia which you and your incredibly boring friends have encountered in your incredibly boring journeys. Do you understand me, Cammarleigh? Enough … is enough! (Father bends cutlery in fury; mother breaks out weeping)

Mother: Thank you, Archibald! Oh, thank you! It was high time some courageous soul came along and spoke those brave words. (Mulliner looks puzzled) You have just said what I’ve been wanting to say for years. This would have made the 107^th time I’ve heard the story of George Bates and the crocodile!

Girl: I’ve heard it 45 times.

Butler: And I, 86. May I take the liberty of adding my humble tribute of gratitude to Mr. Mulliner for the firm stand he’s taken. (Mulliner looks aghast. This is not going as he’d hoped) I sometimes think gentlefolk don’t realize how distressing it is for a butler to listen to their after-dinner stories. His official position, involving as it does the necessity of standing with his back to the sideboard, renders escape impossible, and it makes a butler’s life very weary. Very weary. So, thank you, Mr. Mulliner.

Mulliner: Not at all.     

Mother: Thank you again, Archibald.

Mulliner: M-my pleasure.

Girl: Thank you, Archie.

Mulliner: Don’t mention it. (Mother, girl, and butler join in a round of applause)

Girl: You see now, Father, why you’re shunned at the Club.

Father: Shunned? At the Club?!

Girl: Yes, shunned at the Club. It’s all over London.

Father: (almost crying; the truth is dawning on him)) Now you come to mention it, I was shunned at the Club. Upon my word, dear, I think you are right! I see it very clearly now. I’ve been degenerating into a club bore! And thanks to the fearless candor of this fine young fellow here, my eyes have been opened! (raises his glass) Let us charge our glasses- (to butler) – and one for you, Bagshot – (to girl) – and one for you, Aurelia – I give you my future son-in-law, Archibald Mulliner, who has done me a service tonight which I shall never be able to repay! Archibald Mulliner!

(All toast. Mulliner looks nonplussed. He is even more firmly engaged than ever)

 

Full Episode https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKW4Y1eJc0A