I
decided that today I would take a personal day. I don’t know; I just don’t feel
up to doing even the minimal tasks I’ve set myself. Maybe it’s the ravages of
spring. Maybe it’s the world being turned into a festering pile of shite by the
idjits that seem to be in charge everywhere. Maybe it’s age creeping up on me. Usually,
I can scrabble around and find some sort of slippery fingerhold or inch of
reality to stand on, or the consolations of art to numb and distract me. I know
that the world is (or can be) a wonderful place, but I’m constantly reminded
that while it may be a passable inn it is not our home; not somewhere we can
relax. What’s heartbreaking is that there’s a vision of the world as a paradise
that seems achingly possible. (‘The world would be so beautiful if it weren’t
for certain people.’ ‘The world’s not crazy; just the people in it.’) Then the
heart does break, and we know we have to look for happiness Elsewhere.
Anyway,
I’ve just finished Robert Louis Stevenson’s The Master of Ballantrae and
begun The Wreckers (written with his stepson). Stevenson’s work is very compelling but also a bit
grim. Perhaps his influence on my mood, coupled with the very funny but nihilistic
ramblings of a stand-up whom I’m watching compulsively on YouTube (a bitter,
bitter fool) is not a very healthy diet. Or perhaps I’m seeking out
entertainment that simply matches my mood. In both sources there is enough
seasoning to make the meal compulsively palatable.
When
this mood is upon me (and I know it is a mood; when it passes, I go
skipping through the day) I do what I can to distract myself, and one of the
things I love to do is scour Amazon, looking for volumes obscure or books whose
existence flit in and out of my consciousness, and adding the to the Wish List.
As long as I have an ounce of interest, ‘I can stand living in this cold, cruel,
damnable world’. No; that sounds more theatrical than the actual feeling. But a
bright possibility dangled like a carrot before me does keep me moving along
through these little valleys of shadow. Those who know me might ask, well, what about my religious convictions? Well, they are the things that keep me flying the flag of this world. If I believed there were only secular or scientific dimensions to reality, I would have completely despaired long ago.
Be that as it may, here are some books and movies that are now on my Wish List. There are some (like the Tolkien) that I will almost definitely get; others will probably season for a while until I make up my mind.
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