6/22/2021: Up at 5:30 AM,
prayers and Bible, then cartoons. Today is Kameron’s birthday and he begins
going to a job. Gets off at 6 PM, I think. I’m to bake a cake and make Frito
pie, neither of which I can [should] eat. Called Parker’s Pharmacy again and made an appointment
for Thursday 9:30 AM. Contacted John and he readily agreed to take me. As it
turned out, Kam got off at 3 PM and stayed at the auto shop, coming home with
Susan. He did well at work (a food bank) and came home happy. As it turned out
I decided to eat with them, but moderately. We had a good little celebration.
Then Andy attached the new router. After a bit I figured out how to connect,
and on we go.
6/23/2021: Up at 6 AM. Wash
dishes, cook breakfast, cartoons. Think I must defrost the mini-fridge today.
And so I did, after I made one of my “big hamburger patties”, with hot sauce,
woost, onions, and black pepper. Didn’t take as long as I thought it would.
Prayers and Bible at 9:30 AM. The day toddled along, with me checking out a
noise for Kameron about 1 PM, starting supper at 3:30 PM, then in the evening
helped Kam look up the battery and charger for his computer, as he needs new
ones. Made it to 100100 tokens in DQ8.
6/24/2021: Up about 5:30 AM.
Prayers and Bible. Cartoons. Got ready and went out to wait for John a little
after 9 AM. He got there about 9:25 AM and we went to Parker’s. It didn’t take
long to get my feet measured, and then John took me to Walmart. Besides
groceries I got the complete “Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends” and a
King Kong action figure for John’s early birthday present. I also gave John $20
for the lottery as both Morgandy and I had dreamed about him winning the same
in the past week. Home about 10:30 AM. About 4 PM went in and fed pets, cooked
supper, and Kam and I watched Phineas & Ferb. Went in and washed up
at 8 PM.
6/25/2021: Up at 5:30 AM.
Prayers and Bible. Started Rocky &Bullwinkle [which turned out to be
frustrating, as the episodes were scrambled out of order and mixed
higgledy-piggeldy with Dudley Do-Right and Fractured Fairy Tales],
then cartoons. The day went on as usual, with fried potatoes and fish for
supper. Kam had gone to work again today and was acting a little subdued.
6/26/2021: Day overshadowed
by the passing of Alfred, Donna Loth’s father. It had been expected for a while
but was still a bit of a stunner, as death always is. Kenny called me in the
evening. Still watching “The Barchester Chronicles” (1982), with Donald
Pleasance, Nigel Hawthorne, Clive Swift, and Alan Rickman, and I passed it
along to him.
6/27/2021: I had been
dithering yesterday evening about whether I would skip church today, but in the
end, reflex carried my onward. I took my insulin and other medicine before I
left. Afterwards the deacon’s wife gave me a ride home, so that really helped,
bless her. I spent the day finishing up Barchester, called John to see
how things were holding up, and so on. S&A cleared off the last bit of
brush from the side of the driveway. We kept expecting rain, but none here so
far. Kaitlyn and Ryan appear to have dropped in for music in the park. I have
discovered a new diet alternative: pork rinds!
6/28/2021: A typical Monday,
with clothes washing, egg boiling, and cucumber salad making. They say rain is
imminent, but none yet. At 10:30 PM made an HEB order.
6/29/2021: At about 9:40 AM
the delivery came. Struggled it all in. Got Big Red Zero and pork rinds, among
other things. I had also ordered Diet Sprite, but no go. It finally rained over
the afternoon, but mostly cleared up by 3:30 PM, when I went in to cook. Some
DQ8 after supper. When I went in to wash up, Susan got on my case because since
the new router was put in, her name has been turning up on MY E-bay page on my
computer (though I never tried to sign in) and then what I look up is put in
HER queue. So, I put it back in my name. Now if it turns up like that on HER
computer it will serve her right. I didn’t DO anything … although sometimes
that the worst thing you can do. Because of the rain I let my AC rest from
about 1 – 9 PM. June almost over, and then everything – birthdays, doctor
appointments, expected horrible heat – begins again. On the plus side, Kelsey
should be moving back closer. I wonder if the move is making Susan anxious.
6/30/2021: Last day of June.
Up about 5:30 AM. Prayers and Bible. Cartoons (on a musical theme). Very sore
and moving slow. Thinking about going to the library bookstore, but heat?
Soreness? Left anyway at 9:45 AM and back at 11:10 AM with 6 books. Read “Dogbert’s
Top Secret Management Handbook” throughout the day. Also got “C. S.
Lewis on Scripture”, his “Space Trilogy”, Thomas a Kempis’ “The
Imitation of Christ”, “The Thurber Carnival”, and a copy of The
Wee Free Men: The Beginning, being the first two Tiffany Aching books
combined (which I intend to give to Morgandy).
About 3:30 PM Susan brought Kam home from work while I was making
supper. He seems to be doing well at work. When I went out to wash up, I found Kelsey’s
dogs here, so the move is a go! They were staying here the night, but I missed
them as they went out to Dairy Queen. Bed about 11 PM.
Notes
Must get to the library
bookstore again soon as it’s been a while. Kelsey and Ryan had been living over by the seashore for a while; getting them closer meant we got to see them more often. My old AC was running on its last legs and had to be coddled along. I wonder if Morgandy ever read the Terry Pratchett.
FATHER WAS
Father was digging post holes
and barbecuing,
Killing snails and painting
cabinets.
Father was taking the hook
out of your jacket, and unsnapping
your line.
Father was building doghouses,
and letting you drink a little beer
while Mama wasn't looking.
Father was the guy that put up
pickles and slipped you some gum
on the side.
Father was forgetting to pick
you up at the party, and buying
you a sucker on the way home.
Father was planting potatoes
and letting you put the eyes in
the holes.
Father was who you asked
first if you wanted to go
grasshopper hunting, because you
knew Mama was scared of snakes.
Father was Superman until
you were thirteen, when he instantly
became Moses.
--Michael Babel, ARENA 1977
I have nothing but sympathy for my father now, when I more fully realize that he was trying to do a rather difficult job under trying circumstances with very little experience or example. He became a husband and father at the then rather late age of 34. Up until then he had been rather a wild man; in our earlier years he was still in the process of being domesticated. He had to deal with a wildly differentiated brood or 'pack' as we kids were often referred to; kids very different from him in personality, growing up in a world and social setting that were very different from his own upbringing. He kind of settled into being a dad as time went on, so that his relationships grew warmer the farther on down the line we were born, going from what could charitably called 'fraught' with Mike, the eldest, down to indulgent with Susan, who was not only the youngest but a girl to boot. Finally he became a rather good grandfather, which was perhaps his last best destiny as far as fatherly relationships went.
Did I love Pop? Did Pop love me? I was an odd duck, moody, fantastical, socially awkward, everything that Pop was not. Mike was seen as 'Pop's kid,' being the first; I was 'Mom's kid,' the surprise consolation prize following closely on Mike's heels. Mike got to be the trailblazer, the ice-breaker, the first experiment conducted with the most flaws; he garnered the most expectation and hence the most disappointment. We first three kids (me, Mike, and John) had to do a lot of self-parenting; by the time Kenny and Susan came along we were shouldering many aspects of the parenting (especially with Mom's health problems taking her increasingly out of the game), leaving the younger to benefit from the easier emotional atmosphere that remained, a condition that T. H. White might refer to as 'having white mice for pets, but having nanny to feed and clean them.'
In the end, as Mom's kid, I had to shoulder a lot of her duties, including taking care of Pop in his last years after she passed away. By then we really needed each other: me to have a place to live and he to have someone to care for him. During that time I drew closer to Pop than we ever had been before. We were alone for the first time ... ever. We shared mutual affections, like the grandkids and watching Perry Mason. But .. "Love? His affections do not tend that way." At least in no way that he ever expressed emotionally. Although he did leave me the house. Perhaps men of his generation didn't find it easy to express any feelings toward sons, at least in words. In actions, perhaps, or inactions, never expressing "by a sign or a word/ the disgust that appeared in his face."
But in the end I have to give the old man a pass, a solid C+ at least. Once again, difficult job, trying circumstances. And he meant well, I think, and at last 'settled into the traces' of fatherhood. I can even say I love him, but perhaps it will always be *love with an asterisk. Happy Father's Day, Pop.
Sigh. Ogres do not have
mammary glands; they are not mammals. A fact I could not convince the AI of.
Apparently, it thinks that if something is female, it must have boobs of some
sort. The distinguishing characteristic of an Ogress, is, of course, "a
type of scaly crest on their heads, analogous to hair in other races. When it
is down, it even somewhat resembles hair. It is raised in anger or to display
superiority." An individual Ogress lays four or five eggs. They are then
collected into clutches of about thirty that one female will guard until they
hatch. Only about 1 in 10 Ogres is female.
Update!
Far in the dim of
a summer's eve
I seem to see,
past the shadow's weave,
On the verge of
sight
A distant light
Sifting through
the murmuring trees.
Krezdorn--magic
Krezdorn--
Where the mystic
wizards weave--
Krezdorn--faery
Krezdorn--
In the Land of
Make-Believe!
In the gloom of
the noon of an autumn day
I seem to hear,
as the dead leaves play,
The fading knell
Of a crystal bell
In the wind where
the bare trees groan and sway.
Krezdorn--eldritch
Krezdorn--
Where the fauns
and satyrs play--
Krezdorn--mythic
Krezdorn--
Full of wandering
dreams astray!
Many years ago I saw the name Krezdorn Street in the phonebook and thought what a good name that was for an over-the-top, goofy, somewhat twee fantasy land. This poem was the result.
"Great
Gammoth stands
With
outstretched hands
On
the green hill
Of
Golberand,
"And
calls his child
Back
from the wild
Paths
of the deep
To
havens mild."
The only glimpse we have of the lost Morgish homeland, called simply Home in their lore and legend.
6/15/2021: Up about 5:30 AM.
Prayers, Bible. Cartoons on MeTV. Ate sausage and eggs for breakfast. Went out
and waited from 8 - 9 AM for delivery. Finally came AFTER 9 AM. I was going to
complain but felt that that it wouldn’t help the delivery lady or me. Lugged
the groceries inside. Took my insulin about 9:20 AM. Ate seafood salad and then
cottage cheese. Read PR and napped until 3:10 PM. The day went along as usual with sausages and
cabbage fry.
6/16/2021: Oh my gosh the
day was so long and BORING. The hours dragged along. After prayers and Bible
and cartoons (I hate to couple these activities so closely, but the cartoons
come on at 6 AM) I washed dishes. Guys came and bulldozed the snow-killed
jasmine bushes this morning; it doesn’t look half as bad as I feared and gives
room for them to grow back [they never did]. Made Kam bacon and eggs. Time
dragged on until supper, when I made the chicken and broccoli rice with my
instant rice, which was a lot quicker (I have to use that rice up; can’t have
it for my diet). Planning an early strike to Walmart tomorrow. I need the
exercise as well as new clothes.
6/17/2021: After vacillating
a bit, I found myself almost mechanically getting dressed, walking to the park,
and boarding the bus a little before 7 AM. Rode to Walmart, where I bought 3
pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, and 2 shirts, which, when I got them home, by
what seemed almost a miracle, actually fit me. Having returned a bit after 9
AM, I took my medicine then laid down. At 1 PM I washed my new clothes. At 3:30
PM I made supper (chili, etc.). Washed up at 8 PM. Ordered some stuff from HEB
(rotisserie chickens and diet soda) for tomorrow at 1 PM. Haven’t seen S&A
for almost 2 days. Looks like the slab is finished.
6/18/2021: The usual Friday,
except that at 1 PM I went out to wait for my HEB order. The driver was an
elderly man whom I had to direct to the carport (he had headed to the front
porch at first; what do we write those delivery notes for if they don’t pay
attention to them?) Anyway, I got 2 rotisserie chickens and 2 12-packs of diet
cherry 7-Up (it was supposed to be 3). Anyway, did not have to cook supper as
Kaitlyn came by for an early Father’s Day visit. After 6 PM Andy took me to HEB
Pharmacy to get my insulin. About 8 PM I went in to visit when they got back
from eating out and we had a nice visit; I went in at 10 PM. My BS level was in
the 180’s, so going down!
6/19/2021: Up at 6 AM.
Cartoons. Prayers and Bible. Ye gads, another horrifyingly dull Saturday, spent
(as of 3:30 PM) reading Phineas Redux and playing a bit of DQ8. If only
the bus ran! I would descend on HEB and scour the aisles for acceptable num-nums.
Or if even the library bookstore was open. But even such ‘delights’ are only
makeshift measures. The one good thing is that a little after 7 PM Susan
brought me some walnut shrimp and told me she found out that Parker City
Pharmacy makes diabetic shoes. Onward! Counted my cash and found I had $6025.
6/20/2021: Up at 5:30 AM.
Remember dream about fighting Nazgul – and winning. Getting ready to go to
church. Left at 7 AM. Church. Walked home via FD and bought some hot dogs,
spam, ham lunch meat, sliced turkey, and 2 Tijuana mamas. Home a little before
10 AM. Insulin. Ate all that during the day. Finished reading “Phineas Redux”.
Watched “Saints vs. Scoundrels” at 4:30 PM. Waiting for the season
premiere of Rick and Morty. And, oh, yeah, it’s Father’s Day.
6/21/2021: Up about 5:30 AM. Prayers and Bible. Sort clothes. BS:174. Cartoons. Noticed Friz Freleng made the same basic cartoon three times, with Daffy, Yosemite Sam, and Ratfink: the character marries for money, she henpecks him, and he is bedeviled by his stepson. So, did my wash, got my groceries, boiled eggs, and made egg salad, called Parker City Pharmacy and got some info. At 1 PM I made cucumber salad and Kameron sent me some D&D files. For supper I made fish cakes and couscous, and for myself hamburger patties and salad.
Notes
What can I say? It seems like a different world, which, when you think about it, it had to have been, though only five years away. I had more energy and mobility. Today is Father's Day again, and I'd just like to salute Pop again; I've come to understand that he was "doing the best he could, under very trying circumstances, with no good precedence to guide his actions." I remember him putting me on his shoulders so I could touch the ceiling; if that's not a good metaphor for being a father, I don't know what is.
Socrates had his ‘genius’ or
‘daimon’, that he knew compelled his actions, no matter what he thought might
be best for him. St. Paul talked about the dual nature of the will centuries
ago. Edgar Allan Poe described ‘the Imp of the Perverse’ that impelled one to
contrary actions. Alan Watts talked about our consciousness as being only a ‘flickering
spotlight’ on the vast sea of ourselves. Colin Wilson posited what he called
the ‘ladder of selves’; where we mostly operate on a lower rung as an automated
responsory, or ‘robot’, only occasionally with effort becoming our higher
selves. And, of course, we have Sigmund Freud and his mental trinity of the
Ego, Superego, and Id, ‘the primitive, unconscious part of the human psyche
that contains basic instincts, drives, and impulsive needs.’ It all implies
that what I call ‘me’ may not be the sole or even largest component of myself, that
there’s a largely hidden mind behind what I call my mind. That ‘I’ might simply
be the avatar that the greater ‘me’ is using to interact with reality.
Several, I suppose
anecdotal, pieces of evidence make me wonder if it may be so, and what are the
possible implications of it if it is. One is the recorded fact that the brain
seems to make a decision seven seconds before one is consciously aware of
making it. And, more tenuously, there are the countless times I think my brain
is trying to sabotage me by having me saying or doing something incredibly
stupid before my ‘thinking self’ can react. Or my brain suddenly spits up a
fact or a memory I could swear was nowhere in the files. Or a dream that astounds me with its insight and coherence.
But perhaps the greatest piece
of evidence is when I’m operating creatively at ‘peak experience.’ That’s when
my ‘thinking self’ seems to vanish, or at least become less aware of itself,
subsumed, as it were, into a piece of working machinery in a greater whole. I
emerge from that state sometimes marveling at what I’ve done. It’s not a state
you can force. But you do have to build the altar, so the divine fire has a
place to come down. What’s produced may not be perfect, but it is the unplanned,
primal stuff you never guessed was there.
So the idea that regularly
freaks me out is that I only know myself shallowly, that if I ever met my true
self and realized that what I called me was just a useful persona, what I call
me will “softly and silently vanish away … and the notion I cannot endure!”
Probably anybody with real psychological or spiritual insight could knock these
thoughts down in a minute, if I could ever explain it properly, which I’m not
sure that I have even now.
Perhaps the Greater Brain is hindering me from expressing the idea clearly. You see? An insidious thought. What if the Monster from the Id is the real me, and I’m just a puppet, a scarecrow, a mask?
LAUGHTER-LOVING
DIONYSUS
Laughter-loving
Dionysus
In
his mortal garment worn
Has
eternal hold and leases,
In
his temple nightly born.
Laughter-loving
Dionysus
Before
the first act drains a glass.
His
fingertips he lightly kisses;
Winks
at both the lad and lass.
Laughter-loving
Dionysus
Attends
a party for the cast
Where
they serve white wine and cheese. This
Supper
is this body's last.
Laughter-loving
Dionysus
Prepares
the mortal guise to doff:
Thread-bare
at top and lined with creases,
It's
time to take the garment off.
Laughter-loving
Dionysus’
As
he leaves the backstage door.
Lovingly
is torn to pieces
By
manic Maenads by the score.
Laughter-loving
Dionysus
Finds
a garment bright and new:
Tries
it on, finds it pleases,
And starts the cycle all anew!
