2019 Diary: "Low and Small and Poisonously Sweet"

 

12/7/2019: Up at about 6 AM, prayers, catechism and Bible, and spent the morning watching mostly Seinfeld stuff and awaiting John. Ran over to FD and used my change dollar to get some chocolate cookies. He got here a little after 11 AM and he took me to Dollar General, where I got two packs of shrimp ramen, some corn chips, a loaf of bread, cough drops, and Little Debbie Egg Nog Rolls, of which I immediately gave him one. Discussed stuff quickly; I specifically told him not to be nervous about giving me any criticism, as it shows that he at least cares about my work. He said I should read “Fathers and Sons” as it has a character rather like Rank, and to take care not to turn Rose into a Mary Sue; i.e., she must have some faults and failures. The rest of the day I more or less just ate ramen and watched Larry David interviews.

I showed Kam how to swish with salt water (his gums are hurting him), grassed dogs, fed cats, and spent the evening trying to find a free copy of “Fathers and Sons” to download; finally determined that “Fathers and Children” was indeed the same work. Went to bed pretty early. Weather clear and blue.

 

12/8/2019: Awake about 1 AM, read some Turgenev. I really must train myself to write down fugitive ideas as they occur, otherwise I’ll be (as I am this morning) plagued with vague memories of the forgotten. Hah, one thing emerges: the family phrase “Just for that, let’s see you splat” is derived from “The Magic Fish” and “Just for fun, let’s see you run.” Back to sleep.

Up at 5 AM. Prayers, slowly dress, cut my toenails, catechism and Bible. Ready to head out at 7 AM. Father Gregg’s brother passed away yesterday, and we had Fr. Tony to fill in. Walked home and found a tied-up DG bag way up in the yard at the treeline, with some tortilla chips and strawberry wafer cookies, just sitting there. What the heck? Picked it up and put it on the bin for Andy to decide what to do with it. Came in, ramen for breakfast, listened to Ben Shapiro and guest on “The Conversation” (abortion) and took a nap. Up about 12:30 PM and started watching “The Irishman”, stopped about 1:30 PM and went in  In the kitchen, by the door, in ‘the outgoing’ position, was the tortilla chips. What about the wafers? Had they been open? The mystery continues.

I’m about 1/3 of the way through with “F&S” and I see why John advised it. Also pondering “The Irishman” and its appeal, and I can only think that the stark romanticism of the lonely man against all odds – especially with his ostensible patrons – appeals to the male freemasonry of the competent men who can handle the dangerous world within which one has to make a living and support one’s family – a family that does not always appreciate the dangers and hardships he takes upon himself for their sake, that they may even despise. The mirror side is the policeman or soldier trying to do his duty, but in our culture, they are too often seen as the tools of an oppressive government, so paradoxically they can’t be our heroes. Not that the bosses don’t as often oppress and even kill their employees over money and personal glory – or ‘respect’ as they term it. It’s just that they’re more open – and therefore perceived as being more ‘honest’ about it? – than the Gummint. Anyway, it is the only expression of tough manhood that is allowed anymore, under the aegis of “It’s terrible, isn’t it, it’s terrible, terrible, it ends in tragedy – isn’t it great? Like a Wagnerian opera. The doomed nature makes it heroic.”

So at 7 PM almost on the dot I finish “The Irishman”. Pretty good, but I don’t think I’ll be watching it again anytime soon. Very reminiscent of the 70’s, especially the wife’s smoking.

Couldn’t stay up to watch the new Rick and Morty, but I woke up and the second half was on. Set my alarm for the 2 o’clock showing, woke up at 1:58 AM before it went off, then watched the show, which seemed to argue that fantasy, particularly D&D, were just deflected sexuality.

 

12/9/2019: Well, here I am wide awake at 2:43 AM, so might as well start the day. Today would have been Mom’s (pause to calculate) 77^th birthday. I’m going to pray, read the catechism and the Bible now, and may even say my daily rosary, which will be for Mom. But first, get my blog out of the way.

Okay, it’s 4:40 AM and I’ve prayed, read catechism and Bible, blogged, swept, washed dishes, played WWF on Facebook and posted there for Mom’s birthday. Think I’ll lie down and see if I can sleep a few hours.

Up at 7 AM and decided to get dressed and go to get lottery tickets and go to DG and be done with it, rather than wait until tomorrow. ETA departure time: 7:45 AM.

I left on time, slightly held back by the Chis, who were grassing. Andy told me to take the extra tortilla chips (not the yard chips) and I could eat the turkey lunch meat. I went and got a Mega-Millions and a TX Lotto, then to DG for tea, sweetener, Big Red, and chocolate covered cherries. Still have enough money for another Mega-Millions, if necessary. Came home, started the wash, peeled Kameron an apple, made a couple of sandwiches, came in and started to listen to GGACP.

Went in about 10 AM and Kameron was already up and going. Took chips and ramen to the guest house and then straightened up the back yard. Kam went out at 10:20 AM, and I spent time picking up trash at the end of the yard, then waited around until the bus came, put the load in the dryer, then went in to finish listening to GGACP. About 11:40 AM I went out and got the wash (the squirrels are romping like crazy this morning), brought it in, folded it, and it’s now noon.

I started to pray a rosary for Mom, and I heard S&A touch down. After they left and I had finished praying, I got my trash together, let the Rotts out (the pool guy having come a little after 11 AM), and started the cucumber salad. Having finished all that at 1:50 PM, I’m ready for a little break. Will see if I can get some z’s, but the chocolate cherries and Big Red (both of which I have now finished) have got me buzzing.

Only laid down for about 30 minutes. Went in about 3:30 PM, grassed Chis, fed cats, then started supper (fish rolls, Mediterranean Curry Couscous). Kam came home a little after 4 PM, and I came out and made my couscous with ramen and started watching The Flintstones.

Just want to note that the bread I got at Dollar General is a fine loaf, Clover Valley Enriched White, soft, spongy, firm; so much better than the Wal-Mart stuff.

All evening watched YT of Larry David and Seinfeld cast, which I’ve done over the past few days. Went in at 8 PM to wash up. Kam was playing games with Andy and didn’t want me to make him anything; instead he gave me his old breakfast taco from … Saturday? Hit the hay about 11 PM, still kind of jazzed, after reading more F&S.

 

12/10/2019: Overnight the weather came in rainy and cold; put the heater on. Prayers, catechism, Bible (started The Gospel of John). Wrote a bit more on Chapter Three. When I went in at 9 AM Kam told me he had been rescheduled for 10:40 AM. I peeled him an apple. Went back in at 10:20 AM and he was well on his way to being ready; when we went out at 10:35 AM the rain had pretty much stopped. Bus came by at 10:45 AM. Laid down at 11:30 AM and up at 1 PM; made some toast for lunch. Now 2 PM, and already anticipating making supper. Really, really want more soda. So, made sausages, fried cabbage and taters, and later at 8 PM when I made Kam his supper, washed dishes. Should have asked him if this 11:40 schedule is set now.

E-mailed John:  I have a terrible inner trait. If I ever hear about the death of someone whose overblown celebrity I think was undeserved, my first reaction tends to be, "Ha Ha! I win! I survived! All his fame and money and success are meaningless! And I still have sweet, sweet existence!" A meaningless 'triumph' I know, as some day I'm going to poop off myself. I had the same selfish impulse when I heard K--- F----- and A---- A--------- were dead. It's a low and small and poisonously sweet thought.

The Dream Wars continue. The dreams I remember tend to be divided up into Work Dreams, Test Dreams, Disaster Dreams, and Movie Dreams (which, while I often have a point of view, seem to have absolutely nothing to do with me and my life and are like watching a movie). I'm sure there are dozens of other ways to categorize them, but why bore you? I'm a little halfway over "Fathers and Sons".

 

12/11/2019: Up about 5 AM again - I seldom seem able to sleep later these days, but I do go to bed pretty early – said my prayers, read my catechism and Bible, and took a shower. Checked my Mega-Millions ticket and I won $2 – so enough to buy another ticket, so that’s okay, and the jackpot goes up! Sometimes I think they let the Lottery ride on purpose during the Christmas season to build up a desperate ticket-buying frenzy. Susan had left a little early and then come back as I was peeling Kam an apple and getting my breakfast, and we talked about the girls coming for Christmas and I said I’d put her towels in the dryer. I have now finished F&S, a very interesting book; Basarov and his fate remind me a bit of Mike. Poor Basarov! It seems his problem was that he mistook being inhuman for being superhuman; when he discovered he was human after all, his sudden - distraction? carelessness? despair? - amounted to what was suicide by preoccupied moping. 

A fantasy of mine that fills a lot of my blank time – especially when I lie in bed waiting to sleep – is the going back in time idea, knowing what you know now. I find I must hedge it with a thousand caveats. That the good things that happened won’t change. That the bad things can be changed, and worse things can’t happen. That I’ll reproduce all my lost drawings and writing, while improving new things that I write and draw. Sometimes that I have a secret magical place to store things, sometimes from the future – books I don’t get for years, a way to record shows off TV, and so on. I think of all the notes I would make of things not to forget, like the titles and authors of books in the past that I still don’t remember. The better care I would take of things. How I could act better in most situations, start learning things earlier, like driving or math. Take opportunities that I missed. Could I still do some of these things? Maybe. A pointless but endlessly fascinating (to me) exercise. And furthermore, what would childhood be like without the abandon, the childlike wonder, the credulous stupidity that makes for so much happiness? Well, you'd still have that ... in your memories. But would you be like the CGI youthened figures, still moving like an old man in your mind? Would the people around you find you ... "off"?

The day trundled on. Clear and blue skies the latter half of the day. Sausage patties for lunch. Grassed, fed, etc. Made pork chops and brussels sprouts and quinoa. What I wouldn’t give for a good old thick pan-fried breaded porkchop with some nice crispy fat and a pool of ketchup to dip it in! A glump of saucy dip-dip noodles would be nice too! Enough teeth to chew it all with would be pleasant. Santa?

Said rosary at 7 AM and found the timing great. I shouldn’t do it late at night or when I’m sleepy. Went in at 8 PM and washed up; Kam and K&A weren’t home, so maybe they’re at some church thing. I’ll wait a while before undressing for bed. Man, that quinoa and chickpea dish is metallic tasting; it doesn’t seem to have any savor to recommend it. But it is food, so, down it goes, and be grateful.

Another wandering thought is that I should buy a printer this Christmas, and print my stories, dreams, diaries, etc. To have a hard copy, of course, and to see how much it amounts to. A full winter moon tonight. And dig this: an erupting volcano in New Zealand (the ‘real’ Middle Earth) killing 8 people (the exact number of the remaining Nazgul who die in the eruption of Mt. Doom).

 

12/12/2019: Take much of it as read. The only real difference was that around 4 PM the neighbors across the ditch were crashing around in the woods, upsetting the Rotts. I went outside to calm the dogs and to let my presence be known. Oh, and in the morning a package had come for Susan from Gamestop, part of Kam’s Christmas bounty, with more expected tomorrow. Told Susan about the disturbance and we actually talked for about 15 minutes. It’s always quite pleasant; what surprises me is how little we do talk, each going along our own way. She’s so good for taking care of me; I don’t say that enough.

 

12/13/2019: Up early to record a dream at 3 AM, then pootled around looking at stuff. This morning I must go to get a Mega-Millions with my $2 winnings; also have $2 in change in reserve. Funny about that. Yesterday I was a penny short of a dollar, then searched my pencil drawer. Found not only a lot of pennies, but also a dime and a nickel! So instead of carrying 25 pennies, I need only 10. So I can either win the lottery, or someone else will so I don’t feel compelled to play anymore and can spend the other $2 on food, or I’ll still have $2 to keep chasing the jackpot. Ugh. It’s 4 AM now. Should I set the clock and try to sleep a little more, or just keep going?

Democratic politicians seem to be abandoning the impeachment process as that overblown narrative has been pricked and they have to come to brass tacks and actually show if there’s any beef in the burger; the Conservative leader in Britain is having a surge and Brexit may well pass, despite the constant barrage of media mockery that’s tried to stem the tide. The timely Clint Eastwood film “Jewel” looks to be doing well, though damned with nit-pickery praise by reviewers who can’t actually say it’s a bad movie but want to sink its influence of saying the FBI and the media are in bed together – metaphorically if not quite literally.

Up at 6:30 AM, prayed, dressed, and headed out to buy my ticket. Going out, I saw a raccoon trapped in the trap by the pen. Took a couple of pictures of the beautiful full moon still high and clear in the west; the sun hadn’t cleared the rim of the trees, so it was dim enough that the moon was very prominent. Got home about 7:45 AM, in time to see Andy loading up the raccoon to release in the wild. Went in at 9 AM, Kam decided to just eat some beef jerky this morning. Catechism, Bible. Ramen for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and the leftover cucumber salad.

Went I took Kameron off to catch the bus I brought the mail in, and later got a package off the porch. Susan called me in the afternoon to check a shirt size from the girl’s closet. I dropped my phone and it popped apart, but I eventually put it back together (no problem) and got it started up again (a little harder). Rosary at 4:30 PM. Evening spent watching YouTube, especially Dave Thomas on KPCS [Kevin Pollak’s Chat Show].

 

12/14/2019: Up about 4 AM, couldn’t get back to sleep. When I decided I was up, prayers, catechism, and Bible. Now watching Ivan Reitman on KPCS. I’ve been having a lot of memory-engagement here at the end of the year. The idea of printing my files has a growing mania vibe; having the physical presence that is so baseline and does not need the sort of conservatorship that the computer-based file does; if you don’t keep up the format you soon find the tech has passed away.

What is it about winter that releases memories, that contributes to that ubi sunt mood? Is it something physical; does the cold somehow let the mind run smoother? Is it the Christmas ‘eternal moment’ that recalls the past? Is it the brain realizing, in the death of the year, your own mortality, that struggles to retain your continuity, or makes you think that conserving and remembering how you survived before fights against mortality? Is it thinking about the future that makes you ransack the past, both in comparison to see how you’re doing and what you might apply to help the next year?

I sat down to write a chapter for “What Happened?” covering my school years, wrote a few paragraphs then went back looking for a quote on Miss Daman that sent me on a quest leading me to read and correct my ‘biography’ document until 10 AM. Time to take a break. Went in and got frozen sausage patties and another ramen, made a couple of sausage sandwiches, then again a couple of hours later, then the soup with a couple of patties.

Spent a lot of the day thereafter watching KPCS videos on YT, then took a nap until 4 PM. Ate a sausage patty, then decided to trim my beard. This involved me hauling out the heavy big mirror and led to me trimming my hair by myself the first time. Can’t quite see the back, but what I can see looks okay, and I was pretty careful. Prayed the rosary before 7 PM. Blacked the toes of my old shoes with marker. Feeling a little sneezy and drippy; have to see how I feel tomorrow. I don’t want to miss the first Sunday since my confirmation, but I also don’t want to make anybody sick. Oy. Almost 9 PM and thinking about hitting the hay.